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Monday got me like. .....

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Happy Monday all. Its 83° here. Fuck that. I live in the land of non air-conditioned domiciled. Its straight up bullshit.  Anyway heres what you're here for. Ha! Nobody reads this. Its been several days since my last post so I'll give you a few highlights.   1. Stuck to my diet like crazy. Apart from yesterday when I ate an entire pizza by myself. It was a weak moment for sure. Other than that it was great.  2. Called the college as well as emailed and never heard back. Atleast I took the first step.  3. Played candy land and guess who with the kids. That was an absolute blast!  4. Rode my exercise bike for longer than I ever have! 25 minutes!  Thats it really. I've lost zero weight so far so im kinda concerned at this point. I expected something. Oh well. Ill keep going as hard as I can for now. Trying to stay accountable and on track. Weight: 252.0  Feeling: 3 / 10 thanks to pizza yesterday 🤢  my son took this. Oh lawd.  been tracking the distance
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first week.. ish...

Hey peeps. Here i am again! Actually I'm at physical therapy on the stationary bike. I sprained my ankle several months ago and my fat ass basically gave up trying to recover so here we are. Its the first time I've actually gone to physical therapy when I was referred. Progress right!?  Anyway. These mother lovers make me work my ass off. Its actually been the jump start I needed. I'm really glad I gave in this time.  So how is everything going you ask? Its going well. I've been eating home cooked meals and stayed under my calorie goal every day. I've even lost a pound. Yay me! The kids and I have taken a couple walks and I'm still working 2 days a week as a chef so I run my ass off there. I feel really really good right now.  Today's weigh in: 252.0 How I feel 1-10: 6 (good, optimistic and generally ok)  I'll check in later byyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee!  
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meeeeeehhhhhhh......

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I'm just going to start off by saying that I flippity flopped my goal of Journaling regularly.  I'm gonna be real honest I've been eating like I have the metabolism of a 14 year old girl. Fuck. Spoiler alert. I don't. Im 30 fucking 2 with 5 kids. I digress.  Well, here's my attempt at a refocus. I think I need to really do some inward searching and figure out why I self sabotage so often. Its becoming a character trait and I'm beyond ashamed by it. I haven't always been the best friend/ girlfriend/ wife/ mother. I've failed those I love (completely beyond repair in one case) but I'm not a bad person. Im kinda tired of feeling like one. I deserve to be able to feel worthy and right now I just feel hopeless.  I want to do the right thing. I want to be a better person. Im just having a hard time forgiving myself for all the pain I have caused to my loved ones, and really, my self....  No one can break my heart like I can.  I'll do better this week.
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My first post....

Hello internet.  This being my first post I should be introducing myself but let's be real. No one is going to read this post! So I'll skip the blah blah blah me me me and get right to the meat and potatoes of why I'm here.  I'm fat as fuck. I've got fat in places I didnt think could get fat. Toes I'm looking at you! I've been fat ever since I had my first child and despite yoyo-ing up and down throughout 5 pregnancies I've just remained fat. I'm honestly fucking tired of it. Nothing I do sticks and every stressful or tragic event in my life derails my progress and I end up fatter than when I started. I'm gonna be real once again, I'm also a complete hot fucking mess altogether. My life has gone in circles over the last few years and I'm ready to start working on straightening out those curves.  So I've decided to make a lasting change. One that I'm planning to commit to whole heartidely. Not just to lose weight but to be a better
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